When You Don’t Love Yourself

Staring into sadness, is part of what I do

I wish there were some smiles, but no, I’m feeling blue.

Darkness is surrounding me, a hole I just fell in

no chance to see a light beam, just blackness on my skin.

**

Feeling useless, feeling unloved, my heart is drying out

a storm is raging inside me, I wish that I could shout.

My lips, they feel like they’re seamed up, please just let me scream

but not one tone is possible, I’m in a black cruel dream.

**

Years ago, when I was young I knew that I was bad

I was told often enough – and ugly too, to add.

Never was I good enough, never was seen my heart

to destroy a person efficiently, that too, it is an art.

**

Sometimes I wish these people knew how much I am in pain

but I begrudge them all the victory to look and see my strain.

So I keep my mask of happiness, my smiles and all my cheers

and nobody sees that inside of me I drown in a lake of tears.

**

Going down the memory lane, my reflection or a pic

scare me and disgust me, my stomach, it feels sick.

Beauty or even prettiness in connection with what I see

has long ago been vandalized and destroyed inside of me.

**

I’m ever only just a friend, hidden is my friendship time

nobody wants to be seen with me, like it would be a crime.

Nobody ever sees my pain, what I’m told is cruel and rough

And until this day I’m asking the world: will I ever be good enough?

**

Being rejected all my life, over and over again

leaves me empty and in fear; no sun for me, just rain.

No help, no love, no smiles, nobody taking time to mend

my broken self and that is why, I wish it just would end…

 

*****

 

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, September 2017)

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

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31 thoughts on “When You Don’t Love Yourself

  1. I can’t even begin to say what I want to say here, Aurora, but do know – and I’ve had depression – and have a few friends who have had it, that THERE IS a light at the end of that cliched tunnel. Write a list of all the good things in your life, although you may not be able to see them clearly right now. They ARE there, waiting for you to embrace them. You have a generous spirit and can express yourself well – not every has and not everyone can….Keeping busy is important and GO OUT and greet the day. Just think, some other lost soul is waiting for YOU to befriend them! Do it. Thinking of you. Love Joy xx

    Liked by 5 people

  2. There is support, in many forms, some just are not physically able to hold you. You know that you have many positive talents and characteristics that will eventually throw that ladder to you so you can climb out of that hole rung by rung. Try tapping. I have posted Nicks page on FB a few times. Here is one of the virtual things… a big hug that won’t let go until you tell me to take off, eh! (It’s a Canadian thing. 😬).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good morning Aurora, We are all so different and our needs are too. Without delving too deep, have you sought professional help, and if not, why not? There are plenty of people who say inane things like “Pull yourself together…” (?!) and they should ALL have 24 hours of real depression before they open their mouths again…If you feel it’s for you, try group therapy (I did and it was…) Sometimes a life-change (moving) helps; or a job change (?) but again neither may be options for you.The trouble is being in a deep depression, one just doesn’t care….Going with those awful feelings (however hard they may be) is also an answer for some, because you somehow, at a deeper level, know you weathered the storm. But the truthful answer is what helps patient a) doesn’t help patient b). Short term, keep as busy as you are able (yep I know your energy level is zilch…).and change your routine. Also, finish each small chore completely and the tiny moments of achievement add up to your benefit.It’s a constant uphill struggle, but you can and will… get to the top. Trust me. Upwards and onwards. Love Joy xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your advice, Joy. Unfortunately group therapy doesn’t help me. I’m not a pack animal. I tried that once and had, for the first time in my life, felt the need to run amok, only to not hear their whiney voices anymore. And yes, during the entire freaking hour I didn’t say one single word because I was scared to death I’d be sounding like them. *sigh* But I agree with the “Pull yourself together”-thing. I hate that too… or “Get over it, finally…” HAHA
      I’m working on the job-thing though…
      Thanks for the time and efforts to help.

      Like

  4. It WAS a beautiful poem, as many of the commenters have told you. Perhaps it’s a good thing you got some of your feelings out, and aren’t we blessed that we can do just that through poetry? Hon, I am putting you at the top of my prayer list, asking Our Lord to give you comfort, peace, and the strength to go on. I KNOW He can and will provide this for you. I believe in intercessory prayer, and although at my age there’s little I can do physically to help others, I can pray, and that is what I will do for you. I will start this morning during my time of study and prayer and will continue daily. Please keep us posted. We care.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Poetry is a great way of releasing these sad emotions Aurora. I hope that expressing your sadness in this way helped a little. When I was younger I had episodes in which I suffered with anxiety and depression so I know where you are at. Thinking of you, wishing your tomorrow will bring a lighter spirit.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautiful, powerful, honest… Sorry you’ve been going through a rough period. Just remember, used your writing and lean on all of us. We’re here and we aren’t going anywhere. HUGS! Besides, I need you to check out the anthology when it’s ready for beta-reading, but only if you have the time and are up to it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Honey, you help yourself every time you write out your emotions like this. I love and now you a long time and I think it’s time for a physical exam. You would be surprised at physical ailments ability to cause depression. I can attest to that. I don’t believe in antidepressants except for clinical depression–again, a physical disorder, but I do think going to individual and/or group therapy might help. Misery not only loves company, misery needs company to draw you out of yourself and into others. Praying helps a great deal too and you know I pray for you but if you learned to simply talk to God you might not feel so alone and abandoned. It’s all that keeps me going as I survive heart disease and Lyme. Try it. You are worth it and God is with you just waiting for you to communicate with Him. You are a survivor and will get past this but why not try and make it easier on yourself. Love you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Micki. You’re a gem.
      I am, in fact, in contact with my doctor. So that’s taken care of… as for the rest: a little accomplishment here and there and a tiny success would help too. Currently nothing really works. 😦

      Like

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