When You Don’t Love Yourself

Staring into sadness, is part of what I do

I wish there were some smiles, but no, I’m feeling blue.

Darkness is surrounding me, a hole I just fell in

no chance to see a light beam, just blackness on my skin.

**

Feeling useless, feeling unloved, my heart is drying out

a storm is raging inside me, I wish that I could shout.

My lips, they feel like they’re seamed up, please just let me scream

but not one tone is possible, I’m in a black cruel dream.

**

Years ago, when I was young I knew that I was bad

I was told often enough – and ugly too, to add.

Never was I good enough, never was seen my heart

to destroy a person efficiently, that too, it is an art.

**

Sometimes I wish these people knew how much I am in pain

but I begrudge them all the victory to look and see my strain.

So I keep my mask of happiness, my smiles and all my cheers

and nobody sees that inside of me I drown in a lake of tears.

**

Going down the memory lane, my reflection or a pic

scare me and disgust me, my stomach, it feels sick.

Beauty or even prettiness in connection with what I see

has long ago been vandalized and destroyed inside of me.

**

I’m ever only just a friend, hidden is my friendship time

nobody wants to be seen with me, like it would be a crime.

Nobody ever sees my pain, what I’m told is cruel and rough

And until this day I’m asking the world: will I ever be good enough?

**

Being rejected all my life, over and over again

leaves me empty and in fear; no sun for me, just rain.

No help, no love, no smiles, nobody taking time to mend

my broken self and that is why, I wish it just would end…

 

*****

 

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, September 2017)

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

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Lonely

The sun shines warm, the birds are singing,

normally I’d smile, my mood be swinging.

Any moment now the feeling should start

But all I hear is the breaking of my lonely heart.

**

I feel so sad, hanging on a chain

of darkness and misery being hurt all over again.

I’m waiting for freedom of sadness and fears

but all I’m doing is drowning in tears.

**

Being in pain from repeated falls

I feel like prisoner of a hole with high walls.

No way to escape, no chance to climb

my prison was built with blood, pain and time.

**

No chance to free me and nowhere to go

and my hope is dying, that’s all I know.

Yearning for closeness for love and for care

all I got was pain – how could I dare?

**

Instead of an apology I got pain

and what should I say? It was done – again.

I’m asking myself if that’s a new trend

for someone who called himself “friend”.

*****

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, November 2016)


Picture courtesy of: www.google.com

Picture courtesy of: http://www.google.com

Dangerous Darkness – A Riddle

When sunbeams shine on skies above

light the world , the fields and all thereof.

Deep in the woods where it’s cool and dark

the life of danger’s set to park…

**

Sleep comes easy, rest does too,

It’s important to let strength re-new.

The night will be another fight

to get the pray and some to bite.

**

Finally from dusk to dawn

the time has come to test the brawn.

in silence and with secret swings

the danger has prepared its wings.

**

Soundless floating on the wind

it finds its victim, has it pinned.

A cry in highest pitch and pain

and the predator has won his gain.

**

Quickly carrying it to hide.

three beaks to feed with strength and pride.

The night just started, much to do

mommy flies – for kids to chew.

**

No prey will have the time to fear

death will come, with none to hear.

No sound, no smell, it will go fast.

And no memory to even last.

**

The predator will eat it whole

later we’ll find them by the pole.

A pellet out of bones and fur

a victim’s life, gone in a blur.

**

But danger’s kids will proudly grow

to become more predators to show.

Beautiful and lethal, in secret to hide

More danger, more murder in silence to glide.

**

Adjusting with nature, in dawn and light

during night and day a beautiful sight.

Eyes like candles , attentive and wise

a master of death and in disguise.

**

Of course this danger is protected in weathers

covered from head to toe in feathers.

Something some call without respect “fowl”

I’m talking, no doubt, about the beautiful owl.

**

Copyright, Aurora Jean Alexander, August 2015

A light in the darkness

The blackest place to ever see,

can be found inside of me.

All the darkness, all the rage

are collected there inside a cage.

 **

Pain inflicted to my soul

to heal it is my heartfelt goal.

I want so bad to rid my fears

before I have to drown in tears.

 **

Sometimes I get lost in time

my heart, my thoughts covered in grime.

Still I know I have to fight

to one day soon get back some light.

 **

I don’t see the pleasant things

like butterflies and eagle wings.

I only see a deep black hole;

can’t climb the walls, have no control.

**

I beg for mercy, beg for help

all I can do is weep and yelp.

But support is closer than I guess

a helping hand to flee this mess.

**

A candle light cuts through despair

shows me the way, lit-up the stair’.

And only translucently I see a thing

that looks like the feather of an Angel wing.

 **

I yet have to learn to hold on tight

to the arm that wields the sword to fight.

I must identify and cope

with that one emotion, that’s called “hope”.

*****

(Copyright: Aurora Jean Alexander, August 2015)

 

Picture courtesy of: http://www.google.com

Picture courtesy of: http://www.google.com