When You Don’t Love Yourself

Staring into sadness, is part of what I do

I wish there were some smiles, but no, I’m feeling blue.

Darkness is surrounding me, a hole I just fell in

no chance to see a light beam, just blackness on my skin.

**

Feeling useless, feeling unloved, my heart is drying out

a storm is raging inside me, I wish that I could shout.

My lips, they feel like they’re seamed up, please just let me scream

but not one tone is possible, I’m in a black cruel dream.

**

Years ago, when I was young I knew that I was bad

I was told often enough – and ugly too, to add.

Never was I good enough, never was seen my heart

to destroy a person efficiently, that too, it is an art.

**

Sometimes I wish these people knew how much I am in pain

but I begrudge them all the victory to look and see my strain.

So I keep my mask of happiness, my smiles and all my cheers

and nobody sees that inside of me I drown in a lake of tears.

**

Going down the memory lane, my reflection or a pic

scare me and disgust me, my stomach, it feels sick.

Beauty or even prettiness in connection with what I see

has long ago been vandalized and destroyed inside of me.

**

I’m ever only just a friend, hidden is my friendship time

nobody wants to be seen with me, like it would be a crime.

Nobody ever sees my pain, what I’m told is cruel and rough

And until this day I’m asking the world: will I ever be good enough?

**

Being rejected all my life, over and over again

leaves me empty and in fear; no sun for me, just rain.

No help, no love, no smiles, nobody taking time to mend

my broken self and that is why, I wish it just would end…

 

*****

 

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, September 2017)

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

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Poetry Reading – “Let Your Soul Fly Free To Heaven”

November 7, 2016, in a phase of deepest sadness and depression, I wrote and published a poem, “Let Your Soul Fly Free To Heaven”.

Until this day I’m very much convinced that this is probably the rhythmically best poem I ever wrote, and even though, its theme is heartbreak and sadness, I’m still proud of it. That’s why I submitted this poem to the Poetry Festival Page and had it read by a professional actor.

Today I was informed that the poetry reading had been published on their Website. I immediately clicked the link and found it, together with some information about myself.

“Let Your Soul Fry Free To Heaven” is performed by actress Becky Shrimpton and she does a fabulous job. Thank you very much, Becky! And thank you to “Wildsound Fest” who published it on their YouTube channel.

 

Watch it on the Poetry Festival Website:

Poetry Reading: Let Your Soul Fly Free to Heaven, by Aurora Jean Alexander

 

Or on YouTube:

 

 

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Author Spotlight – Renee Schuls-Jacobson

During this year’s BOAW Blogfest I discovered your blog and took a peek. I was interested about what you had to write and like your style. I also like your art and read about your life a bit.

 

I know there’s much more, and I’d like to hear about this.

 

When did you start writing?

I started pounding on my parents’ typewriter when I was in kindergarten, and I just loved the way the keys felt under my fingertips. I loved putting my thoughts down on paper and receiving such positive feedback from everyone around me. In 2nd grade, I had a wonderful teacher  — Mrs. Church — who dragged me down the hall to read a book I had written about robins and their nests to the 5th graders. I couldn’t believe they would want to hear anything that I’d written, but they seemed to enjoy my words. I’ve been writing ever since.

 

What motivates you to write? 

Writing is my way of processing the world, all its beauty and pain. Simple as that. I feel a pull to write whenever something is troubling me. That may not appeal to everyone, but it works for me. Writing is a coping mechanism for me.

 

What genre do you write in and what made you chose this particular genre? 

I remember reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder Series of Little House on the Prairie in 3rd grade, and I thought to myself, I want to write a book like this. And while my audience might not be adolescent female readers, I suspect that most of my writing appeals to a predominantly female readership.

 

What is your goal in writing? Do you have dreams where your writing should take you? 

Right now, I’m working on finishing my STATE OF UNDRESS PROJECT, which is a combined art/writing project featuring figure studies of women representing every age, color, and social class who have self-identified as living with invisible obstacles. Participants were asked to write about their insecurities/obstacles and frame these challenges as strengths. They also had to be willing to pose in some state of undress — and have their likeness painted as an impressionistic piece of art. I feel fortunate that these women trusted me with their stories and allowed me into their lives in this most intimate way. I suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD as a result of a brain injury, which occurred in 2013 after being improperly weaned off a prescription medication. After 3.5 years, I’m nearly back to where I was prior to the injury, and yet I am no longer the same person I once was. People who meet me now can’t tell, but I know how I feel inside my body. Collecting the stories these women shared made me realize that there are so many of us going thru something at any given time, and collecting these stories made me feel less alone. 

 

Do you suffer from writer’s block and if yes, how do you deal with it?

I only write when I feel moved to do so. I’m fortunate to be able to alternate my writing and my visual art, and I need to be able to do both. When I finish a lengthy piece of writing, I generally move to a painting next. When that paint is drying, I go and write. It is a process that works for me.

 

What state is your writing in now and do you already have an agenda on publishing? 

I’m mid-way thru the first draft of my memoir –a cautionary tale about what happens when trauma is treated with psychiatric drugs rather than therapy and understanding. In the meantime, I’m still posting on my blog –  http://rasjacobson.store/blog.

 

Thank you so much for being my guest, Renee.

__________________________________________________________________

Connect with Renee Schuls-Jacobson

 

I’m on Twitter at @rasjacobson

On Facebook Rasjacobson Originals or https://www.facebook.com/rasjacobsonart/

On Instagram @rasjacobson

My blog http://www.rasjacobson.store/blog/

My shop http://rasjacobson.store

________________________________________________________________________

Renee’s art:

(I have to admit I picked one of my favorites to show here. A.J. Alexander)

http://www.rasjacobson.store/product-category/art-squares/

Is Christmas Really Magical?


 

Christmas time is magic time

that’s what people say,

do I feel less a victim

and much less like a prey?

**

There are days I’m just as sad

as I have lately been,

feeling much like losing.

On others like I may win?

**

Is it what it’s called

“The Christmas spirit’s sense”

that makes me more relaxed

spares me from being tense.

**

My feelings are in ups and downs

nothing steady, it is true

one day I’m cheerful

the next day I am blue.

**

Sometimes when I see stars

hear the Christmas sound

I find myself at peace

my feet strong on the ground.

**

Seldom and still it is there

rare and strong, the need to cope

a feeling that is nagging

the feeling, that’s called “hope”…

*****

(Copyright, Aurora Jean Alexander, December 2016)

Lonely

The sun shines warm, the birds are singing,

normally I’d smile, my mood be swinging.

Any moment now the feeling should start

But all I hear is the breaking of my lonely heart.

**

I feel so sad, hanging on a chain

of darkness and misery being hurt all over again.

I’m waiting for freedom of sadness and fears

but all I’m doing is drowning in tears.

**

Being in pain from repeated falls

I feel like prisoner of a hole with high walls.

No way to escape, no chance to climb

my prison was built with blood, pain and time.

**

No chance to free me and nowhere to go

and my hope is dying, that’s all I know.

Yearning for closeness for love and for care

all I got was pain – how could I dare?

**

Instead of an apology I got pain

and what should I say? It was done – again.

I’m asking myself if that’s a new trend

for someone who called himself “friend”.

*****

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, November 2016)


Picture courtesy of: www.google.com

Picture courtesy of: http://www.google.com

Let Your Soul Fly Free to Heaven

The day is gray, it’s wrapped in sadness

some of the clouds are crying rain.

Today  I tried to run from madness

to flee from darkness and the pain.

**

My chest tied up as I get ready

I feel my life comes to an end

my breath comes flat and still it’s steady

I’m too broken to amend

**

Under the trees with nature’s touch

I walk up through rock and stone

I feel the hurt gets far too much

instead of lessened it has grown.

**

Why do some people always hurt me

make me feel like I’m far too low

to be loved, God, hear my plea

it’s time for me that I would know.

**

My eyes  in tears I follow traces

of deer, of wolves; hunters and prey.

The wolf who tore me, has many faces

I think remorse is not his way.

**

Many hours later, I reached my goal

I stood and heard the eagle’s cry.

I only wish my injured soul

had strength enough to go and fly.

**

Go my soul, fly free, go home.

Where there’s peace and you are safe

spread your wings and let you roam’

don’t think back and leave my grave.

**

Love and peace and lights are waiting

Heaven’s where you do belong.

nobody hurts, no pain and no one’s  hating

there you can sing, and dance , grow strong.

**

Your stay on Earth proves too much trouble

you don’t belong, here you can’t sing.

There’s too much pain for you in double.

Go, fly home – on Angel’s wing!

*****

 

(Copyright: Aurora Jean Alexander, November 2016)

 


A light in the darkness

The blackest place to ever see,

can be found inside of me.

All the darkness, all the rage

are collected there inside a cage.

 **

Pain inflicted to my soul

to heal it is my heartfelt goal.

I want so bad to rid my fears

before I have to drown in tears.

 **

Sometimes I get lost in time

my heart, my thoughts covered in grime.

Still I know I have to fight

to one day soon get back some light.

 **

I don’t see the pleasant things

like butterflies and eagle wings.

I only see a deep black hole;

can’t climb the walls, have no control.

**

I beg for mercy, beg for help

all I can do is weep and yelp.

But support is closer than I guess

a helping hand to flee this mess.

**

A candle light cuts through despair

shows me the way, lit-up the stair’.

And only translucently I see a thing

that looks like the feather of an Angel wing.

 **

I yet have to learn to hold on tight

to the arm that wields the sword to fight.

I must identify and cope

with that one emotion, that’s called “hope”.

*****

(Copyright: Aurora Jean Alexander, August 2015)

 

Picture courtesy of: http://www.google.com

Picture courtesy of: http://www.google.com