Thank you so much for Aunty Acid Story Reading Ape! We all need a bit of her wisdom – and humor!
It’s 2021 – another year has passed – and while I hoped things would be clear and happy around my birthday – here I am – a month and a week later and still no flowers. *sigh*
For some reason, I’m surprised sometimes that most men ‘forget’ to give or send me flowers because they tell me they thought I wasn’t the flower-kind-of-girl. WHY NOT? What exactly gives you the impression I wouldn’t like flowers? Flowers are important to me – my favorite flowers are white lilies. BUT: Make no mistake: flowers have a meaning, they are a symbol and they should be used correctly:
- White lilies and roses – wonderful – for my birthday bunch!
- Yellow roses – they mean ‘friendship’
- pink roses – are boring in my opinion and symbolize gratitude and say ‘thank you’
- white roses: purity, innocence, spirituality – good for bridal bouquets of an 18-year-old – or a funeral
- red roses: passion, romance, beauty, love – perfect for my valentine’s day!!
But then… men usually only think about flowers when they’re at the gas station and see these plastic-wrapped ‘last-minute-rose’ by the door. I’d love to have Valentine’s Day just once in my lifetime… but since that’s not happening, I most likely just have to pretend I don’t like it so much…
See, men and women are so different in many ways. Let’s see:
Women often complain about how their men/husbands/partners are never on time. It seems we women don’t understand that our better halves are like children when they play with their friends. They meet in a bar, have a couple of beers, and forget the time. At home, they told us, “Darling, I’ll be home latest at midnight,”… and when are they coming home? Sometime in May.
Many women don’t understand that men can be far more sensitive than we think, more profound, elaborate, and far more plaintive! Oh, come on, Guys; you know it! If you don’t feel well, you insist on informing the world! And in particular, you don’t want that anyone trivializes the entire tragic magnitude of your suffering!
If my friend’s husband has a cold, he is hugely hurt if someone asks him: Do you have a cold? His face is red, his nose purple, his eyes at half-mast, and he snuffles: “Cold? Oooooohhhh… my nose is running a marathon… I closed it down with superglue now. They’re still working on a dissolver.” (cough-cough-sigh). “But somehow things have to go on…” (sob)
A woman would get up, take a couple of sinus Tylenol’s, blow her nose, and start her day. Men make a far bigger fuss around their booboos.
If men would get menstruation, you don’t believe they would be satisfied with a simple ‘Always Ultra’? No way! They would carry half a mattress in their pants for everyone to see! And of course, talk about it at work. “Yo, Buddy… got your period again?” – “Ooooohhhh…. Yeah, last night, I’m telling you! I thought I’m bleeding out. And my wife, next to me? Sleeps like nothing is happening. I shook her, yelling at her: Woman, get up! Drive me to the hospital! I need a blood transfusion!” – And you don’t think men would carry tampons discretely in their bag or pocket? No! They would have their own golf-bag for that! Oh well, being a softie isn’t a sin. Compared to other things, of course.
Why do you think it’s said, so many of us ladies don’t meet their husbands in the afterlife? I heard after men pass away, they go to Heaven. The man stands there, in front of Saint Peter, and then they work on the payroll. If they’re above zero, in the end, they remain in Heaven; if they’re below zero, they’ll go to Hell. Life is hard work. Every man gets a minimum salary of $13/hr. That will be quite an amount, let’s say, at the age of 80. And then, of course, there will be the sins to pay for:
- A lie -$25
- Cheating -$235
- Swearing -$80
- Physical injury -$20,000
- Masturbation -$0.50 (Yeah, you’re laughing, but hey, these accumulate, ‘ya know)
And then, Saint Peter calculates, and at the end -the guy is 50 cents short…
On the other hand, many men complain they don’t understand us, women! Well, if God would have wanted you guys to understand us, we’d come with a user manual.
Life is serious, sometimes tragic, at times, it’s stressful, hard, and horrible. And in these times, we need something to laugh about, and what would be funnier than the differences between men and women? This was my way to make you giggle.
Thank you, Story Reading Ape, for a great giggle early this year! I had tons of fun with these and will spread the smiles!
Another great post by our favorite humorous educating blogger, Kristen Lamb. Thanks so much for all you teach us, Kristen!
Evil fascinates us, and has since the dawn of human consciousness. I continually emphasize that humans are story creatures, which is good news for writers, since we’re in the story business.
Though not all stories face off evil directly, all stories must include conflict to be considered a story. Conflict isn’t, per se, evil, but great storytellers paint with words and black is only the farthest extreme. Some stories might demand a LOT of black, but others will likely run along the spectrum of “evil.”
No, the department’s budget cuts that force your MC (Main Character) to lay off twenty hardworking people she cares about isn’t, per se, evil at work, but maybe it is. For your MC? It sure feels close to it in the moment. Especially when the cowards higher up force her to
wield the ax hand out the pink slips…a week before Christmas.
The best Halloween collection of spooky Monday Funnies ever. Thanks so much, Story Reading Ape!