Two nuns decided to go and watch a basketball game. The two men behind them didn’t like it too much since they could barely see, due to the nun’s head veils. One said to the other: “Next time we’ll go to Los Angeles, there aren’t as many catholics.” The other man replied: “Or we’ll go to New York to a game, there are even less catholics.” One of the nuns turned around and recommended friendly: “Why don’t you both go to Hell, there aren’t catholics at all.”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” – “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
A man takes his wife to a fancy restaurant. They order the meals, then they wait. During the waiting time they realized, their neighbor Mr. Brown and his wife, sit at the next table. They briefly greet them and talk. A few minutes later a tall, slim blonde woman walks up to their table and kisses the husband, then turns around and walks away. The woman is startled and asks her husband: “Who was that?” The husband replies: “This is my lover.” The wife is shocked, then gets angry and informs her husband: “I’m going to get a divorce.” The husband asks her: “Really, a divorce, hm? What’s with the beautiful house, the pool, the boat, the horse and the fancy cars?” The wife sighs and leans back… Just after their meals are served, a tall, slim brunette woman walks up to their neighbor’s table, kisses Mr. Brown, turnes around and walks away. The wife asks her husband: “Who was that?” The husband replies: “That was Brown’s lover.” The wife thinks about it for a moment and then says: “Ours is prettier.”
A lawyer is decently successful and in the middle of a trial, which he knows, if he loses this case, his career is over. In a last hope to save himself, he summons the devil. The devil shows up, tells the lawyer: “You’re lucky. We have a sale this week. You will win this case, you are going to move to the most phantastic new offices, you will be the best lawyer in the state, you’re going to be a fantastic lover and your bad breath will be gone. As a compensation I will get your wife and two kids and they will spend the rest of their days in Hell.” The lawyer leans back and replies: “Wait… wait a second… there MUST BE a catch!”
Here’s the difference between women’s and men’s friendships. The woman doesn’t come home until the morning. And she says “I’m sorry, I spent the night at my friend’s house.” The man takes his phone and calls her ten best friends. And from all of them he hears the same reply “No, she hasn’t spent the night here. Sorry.”
The same thing happens the other way around. The woman wakes up, the man isn’t home and only arrives when his wife already has her coffee. He tells her: “Sorry, I spent the night at a friend’s place.” The woman takes her phone and calls his ten best friends. Seven of them tell her “Yes, of course, he spent the night here.” The other three tell her, that he is still sleeping on their couch at that time.
A woman spontaneously decides to pick up her husband from the office and take him to lunch. The company belongs to him, and without as much as a knock on the door she barged in the office. There she found her husband with his secretary on his lap. For a second the situation seemed weird, but the husband was a quick thinker and immediately he dictated: “…and that’s why it’s essential that we purchase a second chair for my office…”