Welcome to the first of the laughter lines this week.. some from the archives and a couple of new ones…
First it is time to catch up with that Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman… up to their usual shenanigans!
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year’s supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year’s supply of whisky; it’s given to him and he’s locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year’s supply of Guinness so he’s locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year’s supply of cigarettes and he’s given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
A senior man decides to spend a decent part of his money on a new car and makes an appointment for a trial run at the BMW car dealership. On the freeway, there isn’t much traffic around that time, and he decides to go faster. He pushes the gas pedal down and gives it a go. Just when he enjoys himself most, he sees the blue lights behind him. He considers trying to get away, but at the end, his common sense kicks in and he stops the car rolls the window down and keeps his hands on the steering wheel just as he’s supposed to do.
The door of the police car behind him opens, and a cop gets out and walks to his BMW and looks at him. “Sir, you know why I pulled you over, right?” The man replies: “Yes, Officer. I was speeding, I guess. That wasn’t my intention. I’m on a trial run and got carried away. I never wanted to hurt anyone or did go too fast on purpose. I’m 70 years old now and never got even a parking ticket. I wish this had never happened.”
The cop felt sorry for the retiree and finally says: “I just don’t understand why you weren’t stopping earlier. It seemed you were trying to take off. But listen, I’ll let you go if you are telling me why you stepped on the gas instead of stopping. Make sure it’s a story I never heard before in my career.”
The man replied: “See, Officer, ten years ago my wife ran away with a cop and when I saw you I was afraid you’d try to return her to me.”
Three men arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter waited there, looking tired and yawning, telling them: “You know, I don’t feel like doing much today. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.” – “But Sir,” one of the men said, We are, you know, dead.” Saint Peter looked at him, watery-eyed and replied tiredly: “You know, if you are telling me how you passed away and I like it, you might get in.
The first one starts: “I’m a lawyer. And today I got home early because I wanted to surprise my wife. We haven’t spent some private time in months. I found her naked in our bed. She’s never done that for me. I searched the entire apartment on the 7th floor, but couldn’t find anyone. But then, on the balcony, I saw that pair of hands holding on to the balcony rail. I took my shoe off and started hitting the fingers until they let go. The man fell off and through some tree which caught up his fall. When he hit the ground, I saw he was alive. So I unplugged the fridge we kept out there and threw it after him. But the cable of the fridge got somehow wrapped around my ankle, and I was pulled over the balcony rail down. Here I am.”
Saint Peter waved him through the gates. “You’re in.”
The second man explains: “I’m a window cleaner and working on a 12-stories apartment house today. I was on the 8th floor when I lost balance and fell. With all my strength I was able to hold on to a balcony rail on the 7th floor until some idiot started hitting my fingers with his shoe. I had to let go and fell. Thankfully a tree caught my fall, and I survived. But then a fridge fell on top of me, and now I’m here.”
Saint Peter waved him through the gates. “Go on. You deserve to get in.”
The third man takes a deep breath and says: “I was sitting naked in a fridge outside a balcony on the 7th floor…”
One morning a professor enters his clinic and finds his receptionist in tears. When he asks her what’s wrong, she sobs: “Johnson died… Johnson is dead.” The professor pats her shoulder and tries to calm her down before continuing to the third floor, where his office is.
As soon as he arrives, the floor head nurse throws herself into the professor’s arms and howls: “Oh, Professor. Johnson is dead. He passed away…” The professor comforts her too and then walks into his rooms where he finds his secretary in tears, crying. “Johnson died, OMG. Johnson is dead.”
After he had served her some tea and she finally had become calmer, he asks her. “I’m very sorry, Lydia. I don’t remember we had a patient named ‘Johnson’ here. Who is he?” His secretary replies. “Johnson is your laboratory assistant, Professor. He is unbelievable. His private parts are huge. I mean, really big. He’s in the morgue in our basement. If you don’t’ believe me, go see for yourself.” And that’s what the professor does.
He sure finds Johnson’s body and then remembers his face. When he takes a closer look, he discovers that his secretary was right. Johnson’s private parts are over-dimensional. He finds this very interesting, from a medical point of view. His wife is a doctor too and to hear her opinion about this phenomenon he amputates Johnson’s private parts and keeps them safe until he later returns home.
When he talks to his wife that evening about the case, he takes out the container and opens it to show her what he found. As soon as his wife sees the parts, she bursts out in tears and sobs: “Oh no! Johnson is dead!”
A visit to the archives from 2015 for some recyclables… so to speak.
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
My thanks to my lovely friend Mrs. T who sent the following laffs to me… I have embellished with some funnies from Facebook in recent months.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
Little girl: ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.’
Teacher: ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
Little girl: ‘Then you ask him.’
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She occasionally would walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she…
The second part of the email that my lovely friend Tina sent me ….Keep laughing….
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED
Men are just happier people, right? What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Is it any wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.·If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.