A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
Two nuns decided to go and watch a basketball game. The two men behind them didn’t like it too much since they could barely see, due to the nun’s head veils. One said to the other: “Next time we’ll go to Los Angeles, there aren’t as many catholics.” The other man replied: “Or we’ll go to New York to a game, there are even less catholics.” One of the nuns turned around and recommended friendly: “Why don’t you both go to Hell, there aren’t catholics at all.”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” – “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
A man takes his wife to a fancy restaurant. They order the meals, then they wait. During the waiting time they realized, their neighbor Mr. Brown and his wife, sit at the next table. They briefly greet them and talk. A few minutes later a tall, slim blonde woman walks up to their table and kisses the husband, then turns around and walks away. The woman is startled and asks her husband: “Who was that?” The husband replies: “This is my lover.” The wife is shocked, then gets angry and informs her husband: “I’m going to get a divorce.” The husband asks her: “Really, a divorce, hm? What’s with the beautiful house, the pool, the boat, the horse and the fancy cars?” The wife sighs and leans back… Just after their meals are served, a tall, slim brunette woman walks up to their neighbor’s table, kisses Mr. Brown, turnes around and walks away. The wife asks her husband: “Who was that?” The husband replies: “That was Brown’s lover.” The wife thinks about it for a moment and then says: “Ours is prettier.”
A lawyer is decently successful and in the middle of a trial, which he knows, if he loses this case, his career is over. In a last hope to save himself, he summons the devil. The devil shows up, tells the lawyer: “You’re lucky. We have a sale this week. You will win this case, you are going to move to the most phantastic new offices, you will be the best lawyer in the state, you’re going to be a fantastic lover and your bad breath will be gone. As a compensation I will get your wife and two kids and they will spend the rest of their days in Hell.” The lawyer leans back and replies: “Wait… wait a second… there MUST BE a catch!”
Here’s the difference between women’s and men’s friendships. The woman doesn’t come home until the morning. And she says “I’m sorry, I spent the night at my friend’s house.” The man takes his phone and calls her ten best friends. And from all of them he hears the same reply “No, she hasn’t spent the night here. Sorry.”
The same thing happens the other way around. The woman wakes up, the man isn’t home and only arrives when his wife already has her coffee. He tells her: “Sorry, I spent the night at a friend’s place.” The woman takes her phone and calls his ten best friends. Seven of them tell her “Yes, of course, he spent the night here.” The other three tell her, that he is still sleeping on their couch at that time.
A woman spontaneously decides to pick up her husband from the office and take him to lunch. The company belongs to him, and without as much as a knock on the door she barged in the office. There she found her husband with his secretary on his lap. For a second the situation seemed weird, but the husband was a quick thinker and immediately he dictated: “…and that’s why it’s essential that we purchase a second chair for my office…”
I thought it might be a fun idea, just to throw in a few jokes and make you all laugh. I know it’s not much, but if I can make one of you laugh, my good deed for the day is done. Have fun, enjoy and share away.
In Europe lives a family with seven children, three girls, four boys. The youngest of the boys does not speak, he gets older, five, six, close to seven and he still does not say a word. The doctor doesn’t find anything and nobody can help. Finally, the family’s priest recommends them to go to ‘Lourdes’, a catholic pilgrimage destination in France.
To guarantee the kids at home are kept well and safe, the mother stays home and the father takes the boy to Lourdes. When they arrived there, the father takes his son to the holy waters, where he takes the boys’ head and dives it three times into the water. When the boy comes up the third time he coughs and spits and tells his father clearly: “Would you stop that crap? You’re a complete dummy!” – Overflowing with happiness the father runs to the phone to call his wife and tell her the good news: “Our son speaks! He can speak! He called me a dummy!” The mother replies dryly: “And he is absolutely right: You took the wrong kid!”
A boy and a girl in a small ‘farmer’s village’ in Europe fell in love. In that time, out in the country, people didn’t like seeing unmarried couples being all over each other, so they had to meet in secret.
One night they decided to meet behind the girl’s home’s backyard. They passionately began kissing – one thing led to another – and the heat of the youth took over and nature took its course.
Afterward, he held her in his arms and softly told her: “I’m so sorry. If I had known you were still a virgin, I had taken more time.” She replied with the same loving softness: “Oh if I had known you had more time, I had taken off my pantyhose.”
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
The Sunday School Teacher asked, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the…
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
Welcome to the first of the laughter lines this week.. some from the archives and a couple of new ones…
First it is time to catch up with that Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman… up to their usual shenanigans!
A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year’s supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.
The Scotsman asks for a year’s supply of whisky; it’s given to him and he’s locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year’s supply of Guinness so he’s locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year’s supply of cigarettes and he’s given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.
A senior man decides to spend a decent part of his money on a new car and makes an appointment for a trial run at the BMW car dealership. On the freeway, there isn’t much traffic around that time, and he decides to go faster. He pushes the gas pedal down and gives it a go. Just when he enjoys himself most, he sees the blue lights behind him. He considers trying to get away, but at the end, his common sense kicks in and he stops the car rolls the window down and keeps his hands on the steering wheel just as he’s supposed to do.
The door of the police car behind him opens, and a cop gets out and walks to his BMW and looks at him. “Sir, you know why I pulled you over, right?” The man replies: “Yes, Officer. I was speeding, I guess. That wasn’t my intention. I’m on a trial run and got carried away. I never wanted to hurt anyone or did go too fast on purpose. I’m 70 years old now and never got even a parking ticket. I wish this had never happened.”
The cop felt sorry for the retiree and finally says: “I just don’t understand why you weren’t stopping earlier. It seemed you were trying to take off. But listen, I’ll let you go if you are telling me why you stepped on the gas instead of stopping. Make sure it’s a story I never heard before in my career.”
The man replied: “See, Officer, ten years ago my wife ran away with a cop and when I saw you I was afraid you’d try to return her to me.”
Three men arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter waited there, looking tired and yawning, telling them: “You know, I don’t feel like doing much today. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.” – “But Sir,” one of the men said, We are, you know, dead.” Saint Peter looked at him, watery-eyed and replied tiredly: “You know, if you are telling me how you passed away and I like it, you might get in.
The first one starts: “I’m a lawyer. And today I got home early because I wanted to surprise my wife. We haven’t spent some private time in months. I found her naked in our bed. She’s never done that for me. I searched the entire apartment on the 7th floor, but couldn’t find anyone. But then, on the balcony, I saw that pair of hands holding on to the balcony rail. I took my shoe off and started hitting the fingers until they let go. The man fell off and through some tree which caught up his fall. When he hit the ground, I saw he was alive. So I unplugged the fridge we kept out there and threw it after him. But the cable of the fridge got somehow wrapped around my ankle, and I was pulled over the balcony rail down. Here I am.”
Saint Peter waved him through the gates. “You’re in.”
The second man explains: “I’m a window cleaner and working on a 12-stories apartment house today. I was on the 8th floor when I lost balance and fell. With all my strength I was able to hold on to a balcony rail on the 7th floor until some idiot started hitting my fingers with his shoe. I had to let go and fell. Thankfully a tree caught my fall, and I survived. But then a fridge fell on top of me, and now I’m here.”
Saint Peter waved him through the gates. “Go on. You deserve to get in.”
The third man takes a deep breath and says: “I was sitting naked in a fridge outside a balcony on the 7th floor…”
One morning a professor enters his clinic and finds his receptionist in tears. When he asks her what’s wrong, she sobs: “Johnson died… Johnson is dead.” The professor pats her shoulder and tries to calm her down before continuing to the third floor, where his office is.
As soon as he arrives, the floor head nurse throws herself into the professor’s arms and howls: “Oh, Professor. Johnson is dead. He passed away…” The professor comforts her too and then walks into his rooms where he finds his secretary in tears, crying. “Johnson died, OMG. Johnson is dead.”
After he had served her some tea and she finally had become calmer, he asks her. “I’m very sorry, Lydia. I don’t remember we had a patient named ‘Johnson’ here. Who is he?” His secretary replies. “Johnson is your laboratory assistant, Professor. He is unbelievable. His private parts are huge. I mean, really big. He’s in the morgue in our basement. If you don’t’ believe me, go see for yourself.” And that’s what the professor does.
He sure finds Johnson’s body and then remembers his face. When he takes a closer look, he discovers that his secretary was right. Johnson’s private parts are over-dimensional. He finds this very interesting, from a medical point of view. His wife is a doctor too and to hear her opinion about this phenomenon he amputates Johnson’s private parts and keeps them safe until he later returns home.
When he talks to his wife that evening about the case, he takes out the container and opens it to show her what he found. As soon as his wife sees the parts, she bursts out in tears and sobs: “Oh no! Johnson is dead!”