When You Don’t Love Yourself

Staring into sadness, is part of what I do

I wish there were some smiles, but no, I’m feeling blue.

Darkness is surrounding me, a hole I just fell in

no chance to see a light beam, just blackness on my skin.

**

Feeling useless, feeling unloved, my heart is drying out

a storm is raging inside me, I wish that I could shout.

My lips, they feel like they’re seamed up, please just let me scream

but not one tone is possible, I’m in a black cruel dream.

**

Years ago, when I was young I knew that I was bad

I was told often enough – and ugly too, to add.

Never was I good enough, never was seen my heart

to destroy a person efficiently, that too, it is an art.

**

Sometimes I wish these people knew how much I am in pain

but I begrudge them all the victory to look and see my strain.

So I keep my mask of happiness, my smiles and all my cheers

and nobody sees that inside of me I drown in a lake of tears.

**

Going down the memory lane, my reflection or a pic

scare me and disgust me, my stomach, it feels sick.

Beauty or even prettiness in connection with what I see

has long ago been vandalized and destroyed inside of me.

**

I’m ever only just a friend, hidden is my friendship time

nobody wants to be seen with me, like it would be a crime.

Nobody ever sees my pain, what I’m told is cruel and rough

And until this day I’m asking the world: will I ever be good enough?

**

Being rejected all my life, over and over again

leaves me empty and in fear; no sun for me, just rain.

No help, no love, no smiles, nobody taking time to mend

my broken self and that is why, I wish it just would end…

 

*****

 

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, September 2017)

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

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A Rebellious Heart

**

It’s Christmas time and Holiday,

Joy and celebration all the way.

Only my heart bleeds, it’s crashed and it dies

broken and squashed by five years of lies.

**

A future and dreams with the man in my life

only a week ago he stabbed my heart with a knife.

Scared I’d find out about the stories he told

I found myself like a trash bag sitting out in the cold.

**

Pain, humiliation, regret and a loss

he has caused me to stay five years in a fosse.

Fire in my veins caused my soul to start burn

and watch him from ‘my man’ in a monster to turn!

**

He made me believe our life will be bright

But in truth there was nothing but the darkness of night.

Love, faithfulness, respect and honesty for me

never existed… a shadow was all I could be.

**

The tears of regret made me nearly drown

It took me a while to calm myself down.

Now I start asking: did he have the right –

to use me like this and cause me this plight?

**

Five years of my life wasted to this guy

anger washed over me and turned my tears dry.

Nobody has the right to treat me like gnat…

I matter too, it’s as simple as that!

**

Somewhere out there the other half of my heart

is waiting for me and our life to start.

No lies and shadows, but a life full of light

is waiting for us – true loving, faithful and bright!!

**

In the City of Music, there I will be…

dancing New Year’s Eve… square, line, you’ll see…

Fly free, my heart, as swift as a dove,

find him and bring me – the one and true love!!

**

(Copyright, Aurora Jean Alexander, December 2015)