An Empty Shell

There are times when I feel hollow

When times drags out the shallow days

The sun, it shines, provides the warmth

That shows the normal summer ways.

**

Surrounded am I, by furry companions

And people in whose house I live.

I do, what I can, not to be a burden

But I don’t know how much I still can give.

**

I’m feeling blue, and worse by the hour

I feel forgotten, like I don’t matter at all.

No work, nobody who gives me a chance

To prove my worth – I feel useless and small.

**

There’s one person in this world who fills my life

With warmth, with smiles, and with some joy

But even he, goes forward and back, undecided

I feel hurt and humiliated, like a toy.

**

All I need is some success, a chance, some energy

Make me smile, talk to me, and make me feel alive

Currently, I feel alone, in a huge building, my thoughts an echo

Don’t leave me here with only myself – I need to thrive!

**

Maybe I just wither, unloved, undesired, forgotten and alone

If I just disappear, nobody would care if I slowly fade.

Leave the sunlight, go into darkness, enjoy the moon.

go into the night, accompanied by only shade.

**

Maybe it’s not the non-chances, or sadness that are killing

Maybe it’s not neglect, or sadness that trigger fears

Maybe it’s more, maybe it’s pain, hurt and loneliness

That make me drown in an ocean of tears….

*****

(Copyright, Aurora Jean Alexander, July 2022)

Picture courtesy of Google.com

Recommendation vs. Reality – How To Deal With Rejection

1. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
2. TALK ABOUT IT
3. CELEBRATE IT
4. LEARN FROM IT
5. PICK YOURSELF UP

There are all these amazing lists of recommendations on how to deal with rejection. Of course, I’m not saying they’re bad! More the opposite. We writers should read them, internalize the help and support other writers and psychologists are giving us! We should be grateful to know who we can turn to when we need comfort and what to do with the given advice. I’m serious, and there is no sarcasm in my words!

Take the list above. Each one of the points has a foot long explanation online, and every word is supportive and well meant. If any writer asked me how I’d deal with rejection, I would most likely use exactly that particular list and give calm and well-considered explanations with each advice.

But let me be honest: what is my reality? What are first and true emotional reactions on rejection? – This:

What are my honest (AND SECRET!!) replies to the recommendations mentioned above?

Don’t take it personally, right now it’s just not a good match yeah, good match my ass. These guys don’t see my knowledge, my talent, my abilities or my potential. They’re BLIND!

Talk about it go to your shrink and tell him that you are suffering, because rejection hurts! And then get a triple-box of Xanax and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Celebrate it – the rejection gives you a chance to improve your writing!  Of course! We got nothing better to do than to sacrifice a bottle of champagne to someone who’s hurt, stabbed – KILLED us!

Learn from it. Yes, we will, since we can show we can learn and deal with all this. – Forget that crap – I learned my craft, and I know what I’m doing – and no teenager barely out of high school is telling me what I’m doing wrong.

Pick yourself up – yes, because it’s easy to continue submitting. We are convinced there’s a great match somewhere. – Of course, after we found the light swimming in the lake of our tears and after we have nearly drowned in self-pity, we might consider submitting again. In like – two, three years, maybe?

I admit I’m curious… am I the only one who doesn’t take rejection well? Yes, I know, I’m an adult, I should stay calm, I should use my brain and my ability to accept constructive criticism. But I don’t. I’m acting like a kindergarten kid. My face, my brain, my knowledge, my experience tell the other person: “Yes, you’re right, thank you for the advice, it will give me a chance to improve.” But my emotions, my really, really enraged heart screams: “You prove me – and prove me a hundred times more you can do it any better before you DARE rejecting my work and therefore hurting, criticizing, insulting and humiliating me.”

Really, with all my life experience, all my rationality and common sense sometimes I’m such a wimp.

When You Don’t Love Yourself

Staring into sadness, is part of what I do

I wish there were some smiles, but no, I’m feeling blue.

Darkness is surrounding me, a hole I just fell in

no chance to see a light beam, just blackness on my skin.

**

Feeling useless, feeling unloved, my heart is drying out

a storm is raging inside me, I wish that I could shout.

My lips, they feel like they’re seamed up, please just let me scream

but not one tone is possible, I’m in a black cruel dream.

**

Years ago, when I was young I knew that I was bad

I was told often enough – and ugly too, to add.

Never was I good enough, never was seen my heart

to destroy a person efficiently, that too, it is an art.

**

Sometimes I wish these people knew how much I am in pain

but I begrudge them all the victory to look and see my strain.

So I keep my mask of happiness, my smiles and all my cheers

and nobody sees that inside of me I drown in a lake of tears.

**

Going down the memory lane, my reflection or a pic

scare me and disgust me, my stomach, it feels sick.

Beauty or even prettiness in connection with what I see

has long ago been vandalized and destroyed inside of me.

**

I’m ever only just a friend, hidden is my friendship time

nobody wants to be seen with me, like it would be a crime.

Nobody ever sees my pain, what I’m told is cruel and rough

And until this day I’m asking the world: will I ever be good enough?

**

Being rejected all my life, over and over again

leaves me empty and in fear; no sun for me, just rain.

No help, no love, no smiles, nobody taking time to mend

my broken self and that is why, I wish it just would end…

 

*****

 

(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, September 2017)

 

 

 

Picture courtesy of http://www.google.com

A Rebellious Heart

Picture courtesy of: http://de.sodahead.com/fun/is-your-heart/question-671825/
Picture courtesy of: http://de.sodahead.com/fun/is-your-heart/question-671825/

**

It’s Christmas time and Holiday,

Joy and celebration all the way.

Only my heart bleeds, it’s crashed and it dies

broken and squashed by five years of lies.

**

A future and dreams with the man in my life

only a week ago he stabbed my heart with a knife.

Scared I’d find out about the stories he told

I found myself like a trash bag sitting out in the cold.

**

Pain, humiliation, regret and a loss

he has caused me to stay five years in a fosse.

Fire in my veins caused my soul to start burn

and watch him from ‘my man’ in a monster to turn!

**

He made me believe our life will be bright

But in truth there was nothing but the darkness of night.

Love, faithfulness, respect and honesty for me

never existed… a shadow was all I could be.

**

The tears of regret made me nearly drown

It took me a while to calm myself down.

Now I start asking: did he have the right –

to use me like this and cause me this plight?

**

Five years of my life wasted to this guy

anger washed over me and turned my tears dry.

Nobody has the right to treat me like gnat…

I matter too, it’s as simple as that!

**

Somewhere out there the other half of my heart

is waiting for me and our life to start.

No lies and shadows, but a life full of light

is waiting for us – true loving, faithful and bright!!

**

In the City of Music, there I will be…

dancing New Year’s Eve… square, line, you’ll see…

Fly free, my heart, as swift as a dove,

find him and bring me – the one and true love!!

**

(Copyright, Aurora Jean Alexander, December 2015)

Picture courtesy of: http://clausnet.com/articles/literature/cowboy-christmas-r26/
Picture courtesy of: http://clausnet.com/articles/literature/cowboy-christmas-r26/