Thank you so much for the Monday Funnies, Story Reading Ape. What would we do without them? I love to spread the smiles as often as I can.
Thank you so much for the giggles, Sally! I’m trying to spread the smiles. These are so funny!
Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.
Check out Debby’s column here on SmorgasbordD.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020
Now something from Sally. Wry Writing Humour
A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”
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Thank you, TSRA for our Aunty Acid on your Monday Funnies. Mondays are not the same without them!
It’s 2021 – another year has passed – and while I hoped things would be clear and happy around my birthday – here I am – a month and a week later and still no flowers. *sigh*
For some reason, I’m surprised sometimes that most men ‘forget’ to give or send me flowers because they tell me they thought I wasn’t the flower-kind-of-girl. WHY NOT? What exactly gives you the impression I wouldn’t like flowers? Flowers are important to me – my favorite flowers are white lilies. BUT: Make no mistake: flowers have a meaning, they are a symbol and they should be used correctly:
- White lilies and roses – wonderful – for my birthday bunch!
- Yellow roses – they mean ‘friendship’
- pink roses – are boring in my opinion and symbolize gratitude and say ‘thank you’
- white roses: purity, innocence, spirituality – good for bridal bouquets of an 18-year-old – or a funeral
- red roses: passion, romance, beauty, love – perfect for my valentine’s day!!
But then… men usually only think about flowers when they’re at the gas station and see these plastic-wrapped ‘last-minute-rose’ by the door. I’d love to have Valentine’s Day just once in my lifetime… but since that’s not happening, I most likely just have to pretend I don’t like it so much…
See, men and women are so different in many ways. Let’s see:
Women often complain about how their men/husbands/partners are never on time. It seems we women don’t understand that our better halves are like children when they play with their friends. They meet in a bar, have a couple of beers, and forget the time. At home, they told us, “Darling, I’ll be home latest at midnight,”… and when are they coming home? Sometime in May.
Many women don’t understand that men can be far more sensitive than we think, more profound, elaborate, and far more plaintive! Oh, come on, Guys; you know it! If you don’t feel well, you insist on informing the world! And in particular, you don’t want that anyone trivializes the entire tragic magnitude of your suffering!
If my friend’s husband has a cold, he is hugely hurt if someone asks him: Do you have a cold? His face is red, his nose purple, his eyes at half-mast, and he snuffles: “Cold? Oooooohhhh… my nose is running a marathon… I closed it down with superglue now. They’re still working on a dissolver.” (cough-cough-sigh). “But somehow things have to go on…” (sob)
A woman would get up, take a couple of sinus Tylenol’s, blow her nose, and start her day. Men make a far bigger fuss around their booboos.
If men would get menstruation, you don’t believe they would be satisfied with a simple ‘Always Ultra’? No way! They would carry half a mattress in their pants for everyone to see! And of course, talk about it at work. “Yo, Buddy… got your period again?” – “Ooooohhhh…. Yeah, last night, I’m telling you! I thought I’m bleeding out. And my wife, next to me? Sleeps like nothing is happening. I shook her, yelling at her: Woman, get up! Drive me to the hospital! I need a blood transfusion!” – And you don’t think men would carry tampons discretely in their bag or pocket? No! They would have their own golf-bag for that! Oh well, being a softie isn’t a sin. Compared to other things, of course.
Why do you think it’s said, so many of us ladies don’t meet their husbands in the afterlife? I heard after men pass away, they go to Heaven. The man stands there, in front of Saint Peter, and then they work on the payroll. If they’re above zero, in the end, they remain in Heaven; if they’re below zero, they’ll go to Hell. Life is hard work. Every man gets a minimum salary of $13/hr. That will be quite an amount, let’s say, at the age of 80. And then, of course, there will be the sins to pay for:
- A lie -$25
- Cheating -$235
- Swearing -$80
- Physical injury -$20,000
- Masturbation -$0.50 (Yeah, you’re laughing, but hey, these accumulate, ‘ya know)
And then, Saint Peter calculates, and at the end -the guy is 50 cents short…
On the other hand, many men complain they don’t understand us, women! Well, if God would have wanted you guys to understand us, we’d come with a user manual.
Life is serious, sometimes tragic, at times, it’s stressful, hard, and horrible. And in these times, we need something to laugh about, and what would be funnier than the differences between men and women? This was my way to make you giggle.
The Story Reading Ape provides us once again with giggles. Thanks so much for Maxine!
The Famous ‘House Special’
A while ago, back in Europe, when I was traveling with a friend, I went for dinner to a restaurant that belonged to a very nice Italian couple. It was in Rome.
You know, when you go to European restaurants, there are these eight-to-ten people tables for tourists, where they place you on, and unless the table is filled up, you won’t get served.
My friend and I had a lot of fun. I don’t belong to the people who always want to eat steak and fries or fish and chips wherever they go. I’d like to know what a country has to offer me. And here it was the same thing.
Confidently I told the waiter, I want to have the ‘house special,’ no matter what it is. He was a bit surprised and asked carefully, “Are you sure?” I confirmed that I was, indeed, very sure.
He brought us soup and salad ahead; then, the entrees were served. My friend got steak and fries, and I got the ‘house special’… it was a bird, a tiny bird. It was lying there, all by itself, on a small white plate.
The little head hung halfway over the plate; one of its eyes was open, one closed, beak, feet, and claws were still entirely there.
So far, I have always taken on every challenge I had accepted, even the ones to myself. But in that particular case, the question was not, would I really go through with this? The question was, “How?”
There is something we all can learn from American ‘Haute Cuisine’… One can eat everything imaginable on Earth, no matter what it is, provided it fits in a bun.
Two nuns decided to go and watch a basketball game. The two men behind them didn’t like it too much since they could barely see, due to the nun’s head veils. One said to the other: “Next time we’ll go to Los Angeles, there aren’t as many catholics.” The other man replied: “Or we’ll go to New York to a game, there are even less catholics.” One of the nuns turned around and recommended friendly: “Why don’t you both go to Hell, there aren’t catholics at all.”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” – “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
A man takes his wife to a fancy restaurant. They order the meals, then they wait. During the waiting time they realized, their neighbor Mr. Brown and his wife, sit at the next table. They briefly greet them and talk. A few minutes later a tall, slim blonde woman walks up to their table and kisses the husband, then turns around and walks away. The woman is startled and asks her husband: “Who was that?” The husband replies: “This is my lover.” The wife is shocked, then gets angry and informs her husband: “I’m going to get a divorce.” The husband asks her: “Really, a divorce, hm? What’s with the beautiful house, the pool, the boat, the horse and the fancy cars?” The wife sighs and leans back… Just after their meals are served, a tall, slim brunette woman walks up to their neighbor’s table, kisses Mr. Brown, turnes around and walks away. The wife asks her husband: “Who was that?” The husband replies: “That was Brown’s lover.” The wife thinks about it for a moment and then says: “Ours is prettier.”
A lawyer is decently successful and in the middle of a trial, which he knows, if he loses this case, his career is over. In a last hope to save himself, he summons the devil. The devil shows up, tells the lawyer: “You’re lucky. We have a sale this week. You will win this case, you are going to move to the most phantastic new offices, you will be the best lawyer in the state, you’re going to be a fantastic lover and your bad breath will be gone. As a compensation I will get your wife and two kids and they will spend the rest of their days in Hell.” The lawyer leans back and replies: “Wait… wait a second… there MUST BE a catch!”
Here’s the difference between women’s and men’s friendships. The woman doesn’t come home until the morning. And she says “I’m sorry, I spent the night at my friend’s house.” The man takes his phone and calls her ten best friends. And from all of them he hears the same reply “No, she hasn’t spent the night here. Sorry.”
The same thing happens the other way around. The woman wakes up, the man isn’t home and only arrives when his wife already has her coffee. He tells her: “Sorry, I spent the night at a friend’s place.” The woman takes her phone and calls his ten best friends. Seven of them tell her “Yes, of course, he spent the night here.” The other three tell her, that he is still sleeping on their couch at that time.
A woman spontaneously decides to pick up her husband from the office and take him to lunch. The company belongs to him, and without as much as a knock on the door she barged in the office. There she found her husband with his secretary on his lap. For a second the situation seemed weird, but the husband was a quick thinker and immediately he dictated: “…and that’s why it’s essential that we purchase a second chair for my office…”