Staring into sadness, is part of what I do
I wish there were some smiles, but no, I’m feeling blue.
Darkness is surrounding me, a hole I just fell in
no chance to see a light beam, just blackness on my skin.
**
Feeling useless, feeling unloved, my heart is drying out
a storm is raging inside me, I wish that I could shout.
My lips, they feel like they’re seamed up, please just let me scream
but not one tone is possible, I’m in a black cruel dream.
**
Years ago, when I was young I knew that I was bad
I was told often enough – and ugly too, to add.
Never was I good enough, never was seen my heart
to destroy a person efficiently, that too, it is an art.
**
Sometimes I wish these people knew how much I am in pain
but I begrudge them all the victory to look and see my strain.
So I keep my mask of happiness, my smiles and all my cheers
and nobody sees that inside of me I drown in a lake of tears.
**
Going down the memory lane, my reflection or a pic
scare me and disgust me, my stomach, it feels sick.
Beauty or even prettiness in connection with what I see
has long ago been vandalized and destroyed inside of me.
**
I’m ever only just a friend, hidden is my friendship time
nobody wants to be seen with me, like it would be a crime.
Nobody ever sees my pain, what I’m told is cruel and rough
And until this day I’m asking the world: will I ever be good enough?
**
Being rejected all my life, over and over again
leaves me empty and in fear; no sun for me, just rain.
No help, no love, no smiles, nobody taking time to mend
my broken self and that is why, I wish it just would end…
*****
(Copyright Aurora Jean Alexander, September 2017)
I can’t even begin to say what I want to say here, Aurora, but do know – and I’ve had depression – and have a few friends who have had it, that THERE IS a light at the end of that cliched tunnel. Write a list of all the good things in your life, although you may not be able to see them clearly right now. They ARE there, waiting for you to embrace them. You have a generous spirit and can express yourself well – not every has and not everyone can….Keeping busy is important and GO OUT and greet the day. Just think, some other lost soul is waiting for YOU to befriend them! Do it. Thinking of you. Love Joy xx
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Thank you Joy. I try… but some days it’s just worse than others. And some other times I only see darkness and no light…
I really thank you for your kind words. ❤
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I agree with Joy, Aurora – BTW – anyone who can write like the above (and the other articles on your blog) – has a beauty of spirit that is priceless ❤
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Thanks so much, Chris! You are ever so often a source of comfort for me! ❤
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😀 ❤
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I too agree with Joy and Chris. This was a beautiful poem, one I’m sure many can relate to. Sometimes you just have to take it day by day, but you’ll get through it.
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I got through it before. But sometimes I think every single time it gets worse. Thanks a lot for your comforting words, Rachel! They’re very much needed. ❤
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That’s so sad, Aurora. I wish you had brought some kind of uplifting thoughts to the end of the poem. You’re so talented.
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Thank you, Sharon. Currently I’m not into uplifting things. Some of these poems are just what they are: my inside.
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There is support, in many forms, some just are not physically able to hold you. You know that you have many positive talents and characteristics that will eventually throw that ladder to you so you can climb out of that hole rung by rung. Try tapping. I have posted Nicks page on FB a few times. Here is one of the virtual things… a big hug that won’t let go until you tell me to take off, eh! (It’s a Canadian thing. 😬).
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That’s a really sweet thought, Liz. And it made me smile! Thanks so much!! Love ya! ❤
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As are you – loved!
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Good morning Aurora, We are all so different and our needs are too. Without delving too deep, have you sought professional help, and if not, why not? There are plenty of people who say inane things like “Pull yourself together…” (?!) and they should ALL have 24 hours of real depression before they open their mouths again…If you feel it’s for you, try group therapy (I did and it was…) Sometimes a life-change (moving) helps; or a job change (?) but again neither may be options for you.The trouble is being in a deep depression, one just doesn’t care….Going with those awful feelings (however hard they may be) is also an answer for some, because you somehow, at a deeper level, know you weathered the storm. But the truthful answer is what helps patient a) doesn’t help patient b). Short term, keep as busy as you are able (yep I know your energy level is zilch…).and change your routine. Also, finish each small chore completely and the tiny moments of achievement add up to your benefit.It’s a constant uphill struggle, but you can and will… get to the top. Trust me. Upwards and onwards. Love Joy xx
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Thanks for your advice, Joy. Unfortunately group therapy doesn’t help me. I’m not a pack animal. I tried that once and had, for the first time in my life, felt the need to run amok, only to not hear their whiney voices anymore. And yes, during the entire freaking hour I didn’t say one single word because I was scared to death I’d be sounding like them. *sigh* But I agree with the “Pull yourself together”-thing. I hate that too… or “Get over it, finally…” HAHA
I’m working on the job-thing though…
Thanks for the time and efforts to help.
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It WAS a beautiful poem, as many of the commenters have told you. Perhaps it’s a good thing you got some of your feelings out, and aren’t we blessed that we can do just that through poetry? Hon, I am putting you at the top of my prayer list, asking Our Lord to give you comfort, peace, and the strength to go on. I KNOW He can and will provide this for you. I believe in intercessory prayer, and although at my age there’s little I can do physically to help others, I can pray, and that is what I will do for you. I will start this morning during my time of study and prayer and will continue daily. Please keep us posted. We care.
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Thank you very much, Rae. Thanks for everything and in particular for keeping me in your prayers. This means a lot to me.
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Poetry is a great way of releasing these sad emotions Aurora. I hope that expressing your sadness in this way helped a little. When I was younger I had episodes in which I suffered with anxiety and depression so I know where you are at. Thinking of you, wishing your tomorrow will bring a lighter spirit.
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Thank you so much Marje. I really appreciate your compassion! I’m not sure it will go over within two days, but you leaving your comment means a lot to me!
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It’s an ongoing battle I hope today will treat you well. 🙂
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It was acceptable today… Thank you. ❤
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Beautiful, powerful, honest… Sorry you’ve been going through a rough period. Just remember, used your writing and lean on all of us. We’re here and we aren’t going anywhere. HUGS! Besides, I need you to check out the anthology when it’s ready for beta-reading, but only if you have the time and are up to it.
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Thanks so much, Allan. And of course I’d be your beta reader again. You know I love your books.
I’m trying to do whatever possible… but sometimes just nothing works.. 😦
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Honey, you help yourself every time you write out your emotions like this. I love and now you a long time and I think it’s time for a physical exam. You would be surprised at physical ailments ability to cause depression. I can attest to that. I don’t believe in antidepressants except for clinical depression–again, a physical disorder, but I do think going to individual and/or group therapy might help. Misery not only loves company, misery needs company to draw you out of yourself and into others. Praying helps a great deal too and you know I pray for you but if you learned to simply talk to God you might not feel so alone and abandoned. It’s all that keeps me going as I survive heart disease and Lyme. Try it. You are worth it and God is with you just waiting for you to communicate with Him. You are a survivor and will get past this but why not try and make it easier on yourself. Love you!!
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Thanks, Micki. You’re a gem.
I am, in fact, in contact with my doctor. So that’s taken care of… as for the rest: a little accomplishment here and there and a tiny success would help too. Currently nothing really works. 😦
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Well if you are talking about success in writing, the depression line is long. And Amazon makes it nearly impossible to maje money selling books when they give them away free.
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For what it’s worth, you mean something to me. I suffer with depression and anxiety, so I feel you. *hugs*
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Thank you very much Renee! This means a lot to me. ❤
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You are good, kind, loving, and deserving. You are enough. Feel that light inside you? I do and you touch my heart. ❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you so much, Colleen!! ❤ ❤ ❤
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This is one of the best entries I’ve read in a long time. It takes courage to be that transparent and raw. Thank you for YOUR light on depression.
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Sometimes and one way these things need to get out… transparence is apparently often the only way to find relief.
I thank you very much for your compliment.
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